WalMart Mayhem
by twilightaholic92
Summary: Here’s what happens when 5 vampires hyped up on red bull and sugar and a human are locked overnight in a Wal-Mart. This is my first fanfic so reviews are appreciated. Rated M just to be on the safe side :P
1. A Night On the Town

On a dark night in Forks, Edward, Bella, Rose, Emmett, Jasper and Alice are walking to the Cullen's house from a party. Of course, at the party, they had the choice between beer and red bull. Being crazy vampires, the Cullens had to have the red bull.

"Booyah! Oh Yeah, Baby! Tonight is our night!" yelled a crazed Emmett.

"But, Emmett, baby, I thought every night was our night."

"Rosy, honey, of course every night is our night. Its just, right now, I think that last red bull did something to my brain that the previous 42 red bulls didn't do. Ha!" he said, picking her up and spinning her around.

"Eek! Oh my gosh! Calm down, Emmett! What's he doing to her, Eddie!" cried Bella. See, because she's still a mere human girl, all she saw was a blur of movement.

_**Oh geez, here we go again with Bella's incessant whining.**_ Edward thought as he smiled down at her.

"Bella, dear, he's only a tad excited. No one here is under any harm, whatsoever." Edward responded, laughing at how surprised Bella was. She'd probably never seen them go crazy before.

"Hey guys, lets do something wild tonight!" yelled Alice as she skipped up beside them, dragging Jasper along.

"Like what. I think you guys are crazy enough. Now you need to go home before something bad happens and someone gets hurt. And by someone, I mean me."

"Aww, Bella. You sound like Esme. Don't spoil our fun." Alice pouted.

"Alice, sweetie, don't pout. Bella won't spoil our fun now will she?" Jasper asked, a sly smile playing on his lips.

"Of course I won't spoil your―Hold up! Jasper! Stop playing with my emotions! That's not fair! Oh just you wait until I'm a vampire and get a super cool power too. I'll kick your ass."

Everyone busted out laughing, except for Bella, who was still fuming over the latest trick pulled on her.

"Hey, I have a great idea!" yelled Rose.

"Wait, let me guess, you want to destroy Wal-Mart?" Edward guessed (but if you know Edward you know he didn't actually guess).

"Hey, no cheating! But yes, I was going to say that. So what do you guys think? Huh, huh, _huh_?"

Her suggestion was met with much enthusiasm, but of course, Bella strongly disagreed with their opinion of fun.

"What is with you vampires? Why can't you ever have normal teenage fun? Like egging houses or sneaking into your parent's liquor cabinet?"

"Firstly, Bella, if we egged houses there'd be holes the size of meteors in every house on the block. Secondly, we're all technically old enough to drink, but why drink alcohol when we can have Red Bull! Yeah!"

"Wow. I've never seen this wild side of you before, Edward. But you know something, I kind of like it." Stretching up, she kisses him passionately, hands tangled in his hair. His arms automatically wrap around her waist, and they stand there kissing for what seems like forever.

"Enough smooching', time for some destruction!" Emmett says, killing their moment.

"I'll get the car!"

Alice speeds off, only to return a minute later driving Emmett's huge Jeep Wrangler.

_**Oh god, here we go.**_ Bella thought while Edward buckles her into the truck.


	2. The Plan

"_Attention, Wal-Mart customers! Our store will be closing in 15 minutes. Get your shit and get out."_

"Aww, too bad. Wal-Mart's closing soon. Oh well, I guess we'll have to come back tomorrow." Bella said, hoping they'd get the picture.

_**Hopefully we'll never come back. **_She thought to herself.

"What are you talking about? The party's just begun!"

Once inside, Rose pulled them all aside and, in a hushed voice, said,

"Okay, now all we have to do is hide somewhere until everyone has left and they lock up. Then the real fun will begin."

They all had malicious grins plastered across their faces, but once again, Bella was having doubts.

"Guys, I don't think we should do this."

"Do what? Just think of it this way: we're doing everyone a huge favor by getting rid of this evil store."

"Rose, what has Wal-Mart ever done to you?"

"Their clothes are tacky, their food is crappy, and service is shitty. What's there not to like?"

"Geez, Rose, I didn't know you felt so strongly about this."

"Well enough fooling around. Okay, not to sound cliché, but let's split up, gang."

Rolling their eyes, everyone left in pairs.

Edward and Bella wound up walking through the camping area. Looking around, Bella saw tons of sleeping bags, tents, rifles, and forest camouflage.

_**Ick. I know Edward never needed any of this crap when going on one of his little 'camping trips'.**_ Bella thought.

Just as they were about to pass a huge family-sized tent, Edward suddenly pushed Bella in, zipping it with lightening fast speed. He laid on top of her, and with his arms on both sides of her head and legs straddling her waist, Bella felt mighty uncomfortable.

"What the he―!"

Just as Bella spoke, Edward clamped his hand over her mouth and looked as though he were listening for something. With his voice so low that only she would hear, he whispered,

"Alice just had a vision of us getting caught by the night guard doing his last rounds. If we stay here and be very still, he won't find us."

"Are you sure you're not just making up excuses to lay on me?" Bella questioned, glaring up at him.

Laughing softly Edward smirked, "No, not this time, love, I swear."

_**God, how I love that damned crooked smile of his.**_ She thought to herself.

As she was about to shift into a more comfortable position beneath him, Bella heard heavy footsteps coming their way. She stilled, her breath catching, and listened as the guard passed their tent. As his footsteps faded, Edward whispered,

"Breathe, Bella. Don't forget that oxygen is essential to a human's survival."

She let out a breath she didn't know she was holding and tried to breathe normally, despite the erratic beating of her heart.

_**Calm down, Bella. You didn't get caught. Besides, with five vampires around, including the one currently on top of you, do you think there's any chance of **__**ever**__** getting caught?!**_She reassured herself.

Waiting for what seemed like an eternity, Bella broke the silence.

"Are you ever going to get off of me?" she asked with a playful grin.

"Not before I do this." With that said, Edward leaned down, capturing her lips in a passionate kiss.

The sound of the zipper ruined the moment. Bella's eyes went wide in fear.

_**Oh god, we're dead now.**_

Suddenly, Edward growled.

"Not now, Emmett!"

"Continue, continue. Pretend that I'm not here. Please, don't stop because of me." He laughed.

In a second, Edward had gotten up and made to attack him, but Emmett quickly sidestepped him.

"Enough playing, boys, lets get down to some destruction." Rosalie said, walking up and helping Bella out of the tent.

"Fine, but before that, I want to look at something." Emmett said with a sly grin.

Knowing exactly what Emmett meant, Edward glanced at Bella, licking his lips, "Yeah, I think that's a pretty good idea."

The girls just looked at each other and followed them, curious to know what they were talking about.


	3. Costume Partay!

The four of them walked past the food aisles, packed with plenty of sugary goodies to make anyone go crazy for Cocoa Puffs.

_**Wow, Emmett just passed the red bull without even glancing toward it. He must be really focused on going somewhere.**_ Bella though curiously.

He was too focused, though. From atop an aisle, a figure dressed in a Superman costume leapt from the shelf and flattened Emmett.

The soon found that Superman was, in fact, Jasper in disguise. He jumped up from the floor, poised his hands on his hips, and flashed them a dazzling smile. Meanwhile, Emmett got up from the floor, pissed out of his flippin' mind.

"Hey guys, what ya doi―?"

"What the FRENCH TOAST, JASPER?!"

Emmett glared, infuriated, at Jasper, who was still wearing that stupid grin. He lunged at Jasper, but was still disoriented, so it only took one sidestep by Jasper to land him flat on his face for the second time in five minutes. He tried a couple more times, but ended up sprawled on the floor in a different position each time.

As the others watched this hilarious scene unfold, they couldn't contain their chuckles, for soon, all three of them were doubled over in laughter. Bella could hardly breathe because she was laughing so much. Attempting to stabilize herself, she held onto a low shelf and clutched her stomach. All her efforts were for nothing because she fell into another fit of giggles each time she looked at either Jasper's silly grin or Emmett's infuriated glare.

"Jasper…what…in _Hell_…possessed you…to dress in that freaky getup?!" Bella said between gulps of air.

"Well, after breaking into the security room and shutting down the system, Alice and I wound up in the Halloween aisle where they have a shitload of leftover costumes."

"Well it looks like you guys had a lot of time on your hands."

"By the way, where might Alice be?" Edward said, recovering from his laughing fit enough to be able to look at Jasper for more than 2 seconds.

"Looking for me?" called a high, sing-song voice from above.

As they all looked up to find the source of the voice, they spotted Alice on the highest shelf, clad in a sparkly purple fairy outfit, complete with matching body glitter and butterfly wings. They all watched in wonder as she jumped down and gracefully landed in the middle of their group.

_**Damn, I always said Alice was like a little pixie, but this outfit would give even Tinkerbell a run for her money.**_ Bella thought, still staring at Alice.

Lost in her thoughts, Bella wasn't brought back to reality until Alice asked, "So what do ya think, Bella? You want to play dress up?"

"Oh no. I know what you're trying to do." Bella said, backing up. "I'm not going to be your Barbie that you can play with anymore. No way."

"Aww, Bella." Alice began her whining act. "Please? Pretty please? With a chocolate fudge sundae sprinkled with Reece's bits on top? Please, Bella?" She finished off her act with her famous puppy-dog eyes that she knew only Bella would fall for.

Bella's head drooped in defeat as she held out her arms, wrists held together.

"Alright, I give up. How can I refuse your happiness when you make me feel so guilty about it?"

"Yay!" Alice let out a high-pitched screech, grabbed Bella's arms and led the way to the costume aisles.

The Halloween department was packed with enough costumes, cheap pumpkin baskets, and sugary sweets to make any kid or childlike adult go nut-so.

"Okay guys pick out your costumes and go change. We're gonna party hardy all night long!" Alice said in her high sing-song voice. "And for you, my darling," she gestured toward Bella, "I have something very special in mind for you." With a devilish grin, she once more dragged Bella off down the next aisle.

"I wonder what she means by that." Edward proceeded to delve into Alice's mind to search for clues, but was met with a mental road block. "Damn you, Alice." He grumbled under his breath.

As time flew by, the rest of the group chose and donned their costumes. Emmett and Rose went for a couples theme: Emmett as a bad-boy prisoner in an orange jumpsuit that was cut low enough to show off his rock hard abs, and Rose as a sexy jail warden, handcuffs and baton clipped to the belt of her mini skirt. Edward dressed as a gorgeous prince charming, puffy collars and the works.

Finally, Alice was finished dressing up Bella. She skipped around the corner and shouted, "Hear ye, Hear ye! I would now like to present Princess Bella!" All was quiet as they waited for Bella to come out, but they soon realized that she wasn't going to. "Umm…I'll be right back." Alice said as she dashed off.

Soon they saw Alice retuning, dragging a reluctant Bella behind her. "Now, here she is."

Gasps all around, Edward's jaw dropped to the floor as he set eyes on his beloved Bella. Dressed in a simple, yet beautiful 19th century ball gown, Bella was a vision in red. Even her body glitter (Alice's specialty) was a dazzling cherry color. As she met Edward's gaze, her cheeks colored slightly, and she looked away.

"No." Edward whispered, catching her chin. "Never look away from me. I always want you to look at me, and I shall do the same for you." As she obeyed his command, Bella's blush deepened into a dark crimson and spread down her neck.

They stared at each other, getting lost in lost in the moment, until someone (Emmett :P) cleared their throat.

"Well, we're supposed to be partying, not making goo-goo eyes at one another. Lets get this show on the road!" Alice offered.

"Oh yeah, right." Edward said, looking away from Bella's eyes for a moment. Leaning down, he whispered in her ear, "Lets continue this _later_."

_**Oh God how I love it when his cool breath tickles my ear.**_ Bella thought, suppressing shivers of pleasure.

"Wait, I totally forgot." Emmett said. "We were going somewhere, right Eddie?"

Barely concealing a grin, Edward replied, "Yeah, Let's go there first." He grabbed up Bella's hand and, placing a kiss on it, said with a lust-filled gaze, "I think you're really going to like this surprise."

As they led them off, Bella couldn't help but thinking, _**What am I getting myself into this time?**_

**_--_**

**A/N: Hope you like it! Will update sooner this time!! Reviews plz!!**


	4. JACKPOT!

Their time of guessing was over. Their big surprise unveiled. The bombshell was dropped. Emmett and Edward reached their destination. Their long-awaited surprise was…..the contraceptives aisle?! More specifically, the condoms section.

They all stood in front of the wall crowded with boxes and boxes of condoms. They had it all: ribbed, tipped, lubed, sensations, heat sensitive, her pleasure, his pleasure, and in an assortment of various sizes, colors, and flavors.

The guys gathered round, looking on, awestruck. Edward, Emmett, Jasper….and Alice (?!) yelled in perfect unison,

"JACKPOT!"

Upon hearing a female voice, all the guys, and even the girls, turned and looked in shock at Alice, who was standing in the middle, still looking dreamily at the condom-filled wall. Noticing that all eyes were on her, Alice glanced around, a confused look on her face.

"What?" Seeing that they weren't going to move any time soon, Alice merrily skipped up to the wall, spotted something, let out a high-pitched fan girl "Eep!", and grabbed a box off the shelf. Turning around she proudly put her findings on display.

"Ribbed! Cherry-flavored! "Extra Extra Large! My Fave!" The sound of jaws dropping filled the silence.

Emmett recovered first and, confused, asked, "Extra _Extra_ Large?"

Everyone looked questioningly at Jasper, whose cheeks colored as red as a vampire's can get.

_**Wow.**_ Bella thought, looking from Jasper's embarrassed face to the crotch of his pants. _**I feel guilty about looking, but now I can't tear my eyes away. Now I'll never be able to look at Jasper the same way again. **_

Stunned looks were plastered on everyone's faces, except for Emmett, who looked at Jasper with newfound admiration.

Alice skipped over to Jasper and planted a kiss on his cheek. Wrapping her arms around his waist from the side, she looked back at the group. "What? Aren't you jealous now?" She smirked, squeezing Jasper tighter.

Everyone laughed in embarrassment, breaking the tension. Emmett and Edward went and clapped Jasper on the back, while Rose and Bella walked over to Alice, quietly whispering as they gossiped about sex and their own partners. Though Bella hadn't ever seen Edward's Krull the Warrior King, she still saw how big of a boner he'd gotten as it strained against his pants once when she teased him.

The embarrassment eased, and everyone went off in couples with their mates to look and pick out condoms for later enjoyment.

"Edward, I thought that this was going to be a good surprise?"

"But honey, isn't it?" Edward asked, his joy slightly lessened by Bella's questioning glare.

"Well, yeah, but its just flaunting in my face something I can't have. You said that you'd have sex with me if I agreed to marry you, but you keep avoiding it. What's going on?"

"Well…" he started, hesitating. "Alright, I was planning on surprising you, but I've kind of been planning for your first time, and I want it to be a very special experience for you." He said nervously, watching Bella's face for a reaction.

Bella's cheeks colored while listening to Edward, but then her expression lit up.

"Oh really." She grinned with a suggestive look on her face.

As they both laughed, they heard Jasper say, "Alice, is something wrong?"

Everyone turned to face an expressionless Alice, who stood still with a blank look on her face. Slowly, she smirked as her vision blew over.

"Oh, so you're planning something. Hmm, I wonder what that might be." She said, looking at Edward. As everyone else wondered what was going on, Edward's cheeks colored slightly while he saw Alice's vision.

"Well, at least now I know how to do it." Bella looked questioningly at Edward when he spoke.

**_What is he...OOOOOH! Wow._** A knowing look came across her face as she too blushed.

Meanwhile, Emmett and Rose were still picking out condoms, completely oblivious to what was conspiring around them.

After raiding the contraceptives section, the gang headed toward the health and beauty section. Bella had an idea she wanted to try.

"Come on guys! It'll be fun for everyone, I promise." They followed her for a change, extremely curious about what kind of human fun would interest them.

--

**Krull the Warrior King: penis- How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days**

**A/N: Sorry again for the relle long wait and for the short chapter! Thanx for being patient with me! Please bear with me again though. I need to finish the next chapter. Eep! **


	5. Slip N' Bleed

**Disclaimer: I don't own it, I just love it.**

Five nervous vampires curiously followed a very determined Bella through the quiet aisles of the vacant Wal-Mart. The only sound to be heard was Bella's footsteps as the Cullens moved gracefully silent behind her. Though something was troubling the gifted souls among them.

"Bella, please, you're giving me a massive headache!" cried Alice as she clutched her head. "Please stop changing your mind. I would give anything to have one of those dogs with us so I wouldn't have to deal with your indecision!"

Still walking, Bella pointedly replied, "It is not indecision, but maybe I might just call it a brainstorm, if I may. I am just trying to keep this a surprise from **all** of you. If you would quit peeking like the impatient vampire I know you are, it would all stop."

"Show some mercy, Bella, for my sake! The flashes going through Alice's head are starting to give me a headache!" Edward whined, mimicking Alice's previous actions.

Bella turned on them. "Don't cry to me then! Alice is the one you should be complaining to! "

"But I can't take the suspense anymore! It's killing me!" At Bella's scoff, she cried, "Oh, come on, you know what I mean."

"Well, Alice, now you know how Bella feels when you plan your little surprises for her."

"And kidnap me." "And kidnap her." Both Edward and Bella ended.

"Fine" Alice pouted. "Ugh, I feel almost human without my visions." Hearing a snicker (most likely from Emmett) she added, "I said **almost**!"

Bella stopped suddenly, causing the others to almost collide with her as they were preoccupied with their bickering.

"Okay now, I'm going to go set up. You stay here and remember…" Bella paused for dramatic effect. She smirks as they lean forward in anticipation then hardens her face to look threatening. "No Peeking!" Giving them one last harsh glare, Bella smiles and skips off down the main aisle.

The five Cullens were left in relative silence, curiously looking around. Finally, Edward spoke.

"Emmett, don't even think about it."

"Ugh!" Emmett huffed. "Please, I'll be real quick. You won't even notice I'm gone."

"No, she said no peeking, and you know better then to defy her."

"Yeah," Rose offered, "she may be a mere human girl, but she can do a **lot** of damage."

They all shuddered at the memory involving a plastic spoon, a werewolf, and a lot of whipped cream **(don't ask XD)**.

The vampires were brought out of their thoughts by a loud splash and a girlish squeal. Listening further, they hear the distinct sounds of a hose and plastic hitting the ground, usually followed by a small giggle.

"What in the hell―" "Okay, all done!" Bella squeaked just as Jasper spoke.

Bella rounded the corner, a huge grin from ear to ear, and pulled Edward while the others followed.

"Oh come on guys, if you don't hurry your immortal butts up you're gonna miss all the fun."

Curious, they all sped up, if only a little, to keep up with Bella. As they entered the main aisle, the sound of splashing water assailed their ears. Immediately finding the source to be a running hose, they quickly assessed the rest of the scene. What was once a bland beauty and hygiene section was transformed into a makeshift soapy water land. The white-and-black checkered tiles were no longer visible beneath the colorful array of soapy goodness. So many scents, beautifully combined **(on purpose perhaps)**, flowed over them. Empty bottles, rubber duckies, scrubbing puffs, and action figure tops of kid's bubble baths were scattered among the foamy mess. Along both sides were hoses and sprinklers of all kinds, showering the aisle in an endless spray of watery goodness **(wtf?!)**.

The Cullens stared in awe at the scene before them, then turned their gaze toward Bella, who watched them, feeling elated and triumphant. Bella, happy with their reaction, moves to pick up a duck-shaped floatie and hands it to Edward.

"Umm…What's this for?" Edward asked, incredulously staring at the duck's head.

"Oh just put it on!" Bella huffed. "Hurry up, I want to see how it looks on you." She ends with an innocent smile. Seeing his hesitation, she adds, "Please." Putting on her best puppy dog eyes expression, she looks up at Edward.

Giving in **(works every time ;P)**, Edward slips the swim ring over his head and around his waist. Feeling stupid, he stares at the ground and shifts from one foot to the other, anxiously waiting for their reaction.

All eyes were on Edward's comical attire, Bella smiling proudly and the Cullens staring in shock.

"Well…how do I look?" Edward asks, still staring at the floor. Risking a glace upward, his eyes rest on Bella's expression. Her face was beet red, her lips forcibly pressed together, and her eyes sparkling with unreleased laughter. Confused, Edward cocked his head to the side, at which Bella let out a highly unladylike snort **(like you, Chelsea! jk jk)**. Suddenly, all hell broke loose. Everyone began laughing hysterically at poor Eddie's expense.

Enraged at being made a fool of, Edward took his anger out first on the poor duck floatie, and next on an unsuspecting Emmett, who, doubled over in laughter, did not notice the attack until he was flat on his face, the outline of his body imprinted on the plaster of the wall behind him. Getting up, feeling 

embarrassed and harassed, Emmett cried, "Why's it always me that gets hit?! No one ever picks on Jasper!" He pouts for a minute until he sees Edward's sorrowful (and vulnerable) expression, then sends Edward flying into the opposite wall.

Turning around, shocked that he let his guard down and Emmett had taken advantage of that, Edward sees a smirking Emmett clasp Jasper on the back. "I'm just kiddin', bro. I'd gladly take the hits if it meant getting to beat his dumb butt."

As the two looked ready to face off again, Bella stepped up. "Okay guys, would you rather beat each other into submission out here or race each other in this wicked awesome slip n' slide?" The guys looked at each other once, then looked at Bella. "Slip N' Slide." They said in agreement.

"Me first, me first!" Emmett cried like a 2 yr. old as he ran toward the pile of floaties and swim rings, grabbed one, and ran toward the soap suds.

"Not without us!" Edward and Jasper yelled as they too dashed for the water tubes and ran after Emmett.

The girls laughed as they watched the guys romp around as if the were little kids in the ball room at Chuck E. Cheese. They soon felt they were missing out so, flashing wicked grins to each other, they got tubes of their own and joined in.

So much time passed, at least two hours, filled with wrestling matches, speed races, soap disguises, and a lot of splashing. Suddenly, Emmett popped up from the foamy suds, donning a soap beard that made him look like a buff Santa, and headed for the beginning of the aisle.

"Hey guys, check this out!" He yelled to get everyone's attention as he readied himself for his newest stunt. Breaking into a run, they watch as he puts the tube under himself as he prepared to jump. Without a firm grip, though, the tube slipped out from under him as he slid, ass first, down the aisle. Next thing they hear is the crunch of plastic and Emmett's bear-roar of pain.

"Ahhh! Shit! Get it out, get it out, get it OUT!" He screams as he runs around in circles, alternately flailing his arms and clutching his butt cheeks. Everyone gasped as they watched the weird display.

"Emmett, calm down! What's wrong?!" Rose asked, worried about her husband's current state of mind, as she approached him. "Just stop and tell us what happened." She tried to get him to calm down but he just kept on running. Finally, she grabbed a hold of his arm, and he was abruptly pulled back. Still jumping on the spot, Emmett looked at the others with a look of horror and anxiety.

"Now explain to us what is wrong." Edward said calmly.

"Something is stuck up my ASS!" he screamed at them as he tried to wriggle out of Rose's grasp. Apparently, as the tube went out from under him, Emmett's jeans ripped and something slid through the opening and lodged up his ass crack.

"Ha! Talk about slip n' bleed through the anus, dude!" Jasper's laugh was met by an angry growl from Emmett. "What?" he looks around. "No takers? Come on, it is pretty funny." Bella cracked a smile at his comment, after which everyone followed suit, all except Emmett.

"Oh, ha ha very funny. NOT! Now can someone please get whatever this is out of my ass?!"

"Alrighty then, since he's my husband, I'll do the honors." Rose offered as she walked behind him with a look of pity **(and do I detect a hint of sarcasm XD)**.

"Ha ha, yeah, now we get to see what exactly is up his butt." Edward's comment was followed by a nod from Bella.

The next few minutes was filled with grunts from Rose as she tried to pull out the lodged object, and of Emmett who was trying to brace himself.

"Stop grunt clenching!" Rose said between huffs and pulls.

"I'm ugh not―oww―**clenching**!" Emmett growled through his teeth.

Another pull. "Gosh, Emmett, I think you really need to shave down here."

"What are you talking about?!"

"Well I'm talking about all this hair down here! God, come on now! I'm practically pulling it out there's so much!" Rose yelled at him as she pulled out another clump of hair.

"Wait a second, Rose. I don't think that's Emmett's hair." Edward curiously approached Emmett's backside and bent to pick up the strands of dropped hair which he then examined. "They're synthetic. How could that be?" Edward's question was met by loud grunts from both Rose and Emmett as the object was pulled out, followed by a frightened yelp from Rose as she dropped it to the ground.

"What they hell is that?!" Rose screamed. Edward picked up the object with his thumb and forefinger, holding it away from his body. "I do believe this is what is called a Barbie. But why is it only the upper half?" he questioned.

All eyes fell on Bella, who stared in shock at the Barbie. "Oh God. I'm so sorry, Emmett!" she cried as she flung herself at him just as he began to stand. The impact caused him to fall on his back, Bella clutching his neck, crying and apologizing over and over. "I didn't think that throwing those Barbies into the mix would do something so terrible! I'm sniffle sorry!"

Emmett, stunned to silence that Bella cared so much, could only pat her back and assure her that he was okay. When she was done, Edward picked her up while Jasper helped Emmett up.

"So, how's your ass? Need any ice cream?" Leave it to Jasper to break the tension. Everyone started laughing and they headed off in a random direction, leaving the foamy mess and the Barbie heads behind.

**A/N: I'm incredibly sorry to everyone who's read this story. I've been kicking myself in the ass for not updating sooner but, what can i say, life got in the way. Ha that rhymed! Neway, here it is and hopefully the next chappy will be out pretty soon. Can't promise nething tho, cause i'm going to a concert this weekend but hopefully by next wednesday i'll have the next chappy posted! Well, i luv u guys for reading this n reviews would b fab! concrit is welcome but no flames plz!**

**Btw, I also don't own Barbies, Dane Cook, or anything Wal-Mart or soap product related. Just remember that XD!**


	6. Sugar High!

**Sorry for not updating lately but school's been a mess! And I've had serious writer's block! I think its one particular teacher's face that dissipates all creativity from my mind…and I won't say who….heh heh**

**Disclaimer: YES, I OWN TWILIGHT! I'M TOTALLY GONNA DO JASPER! gets tackled by Stephenie Meyer WAIT I TAKE IT BACK! DON'T KILL ME! NUUUUU!**

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

They found themselves wandering toward the food aisles.

"You know, Jasper, ice cream would sound pretty good right now if I could taste it." Emmett commented.

"Yeah, I hear ya, man. That's about the one thing I miss about being human. Food just doesn't appeal to me anymore."

"Well, Edward, when you turn me―"

"Which won't be anytime soon." He said as he looked down at Bella by his side, who was now wearing a pout.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. But when it does happen, I think the only thing that I'll miss the taste of is candy."

Smirking, Alice stopped. "Well then, why don't you fill up on it as much as you can now." They all followed her gaze toward the candy aisle. Bella squeaked and ran off, leaving five astonished vampires in her wake.

"Wow, I didn't know Bella was such a candy junkie." Emmett said as they walked after her.

"Well, judging by her heightened emotions, I'd say she's seriously hyper right about now."

Once they reached the mouth of the aisle, they saw torn packages and wrappers thrown everywhere. Bella was sprawled on her back in the midst of the chaos, pouring colored sugar from a straw into her open mouth. She swallowed and a lazy grin spread on her face as she reached for another straw.

"Umm, I take that back…she's not a junkie, she's a druggie."

"No, no, no." Bella drawled in a Joker-like voice as she sluggishly attempted to sit up. When she succeeded, she pointed at Emmett with a straw. "These aren't drugs. They're called pixy stix. But, ya know, they do get me high." At this, Bella broke into a fit of giggles. The others glance confused at each other.

"Uh, Bella," Edward said as he slowly approached her. "Let me take that." He reached for the straw.

Bella saw what he was doing and snatched her hand back. "Nuuuuu! Get your own stick!" She scrambled away as he grabbed for it again.

"Uh, Edward, I think you should just leave her alone. I'm, uh, kinda worried about her current state of mind." Jasper warned.

"What did you say?" Edward called, too preoccupied with trying to get the stick to listen. He and Bella were now head to head, both with a hold on the stick. Suddenly, Edward pulled back, breaking the stick open in the process. Refined sugar went everywhere, covering them both in a sweet cloud.

"Oh no!" Bella cried, sticking her tongue out as if to catch the falling powder like snow. Edward gasped, involuntarily drawing in a gust of sugar-filled air and making him immediately choke.

"What choke was cough cough THAT?!"

"Like I said before: PIXY STIX! And you just wasted a perfectly good stick!" Punching him in the arm **(it hurt her more that it hurt him)**, she stormed off to get more candy.

"Wait!" Edward whined as he stumbled after her. Jasper caught him just as he unexpectedly tripped.

"Hey, bro, you feelin' okay?" he asked, confused with Edward's uncharacteristic behavior.

"Yeah, uh, I think so! HA!" he laughed suddenly, then clapped a hand over his mouth. With a look of confusion, Edward asked, "Why do I feel so…so…intoxicated?"

"It's called a sugar high." Bella called nonchalantly from the aisle before she knocked back another stick with ease.

"Oh, oh, I wanna try!" "Yeah, me too!" yelled Alice and Emmett as they started toward Bella.

"Hold up, you two. Rose grabbed the backs of their shirts to keep them in place. "If something like this happened to Edward then it could affect all of us."

"Oh, come on, Rose. Edward's like that because, first, he didn't take the stick properly, and, second, he can't handle the sugary goodness!" Bella said, rolling her eyes. "Here, why don't you try it for yourself." Holding out a straw, Bella waited patiently for Rose to take it.

Hesitantly, Rose took the stick. She watched as Bella demonstrated and, imitating her, Rose drained the straw into her mouth. Immediately, her eyes bugged out in surprise and she froze. They watched as she slowly closed her mouth and straightened her head. Her face was a mask of confusion, but when she finally swallowed…pure bliss.

"OMC, MY EYES! Her smile is blinding!" Emmett joked. "So, how was it?"

It was…it was…WOW!" She yelled excitedly. Hearing the echo, Rose began to laugh, the sound like a peal of bells. Bella began to laugh with her, and soon they were both on the ground, rolling. Bella's face was a mess of tears and she was clutching her stomach. Rose was laughing giddily, rolling back and forth like a kitty on crack **(or catnip XD)**.

Emmett and Alice rushed to down a few sticks, anxious to have their own sugar highs, and soon joined the two girls on the floor. Meanwhile, Jasper was still supporting Edward, who wore a look of horror.

"My senses are tingling!" Jasper broke out. "I must try these so called pixy stix!" He let go of Edward and flitted down the aisle to retrieve more sticks.

The next moment, the laughing was cut of by a loud "YAHOO!" All eyes went to the mouth of the aisle as Jasper appeared, a pixy stick in one hand, a can of red bull **(oh no)** in the other.

Where'd he get―"

"OH YEAH! OH YEAH!" A masterful impersonation of the Kool-Aid man echoed throughout the Wal-Mart. A second later, Jasper downed the stick and red bull at once.

"Yeah Jasper!" "Go Jasper" All the cheers turned to uncontrollable laughter when he started dancing, shaking his butt and backin' it up on Edward.

"Come on, Eddie, dance with me!" He picked up Edward and swung him around, then started grindin' on him.

"Eww, Jasper, stop it! This is wrong on soo many different levels!"

"You know you want a piece of this." Jasper said when he finally let Edward go.

"Oh, Edward, you just need to lighten up." Bella walked up, grinning like a Cheshire cat, holding a freshly opened straw.

"No! Don't you even!" Edward tried to escape, but was captured by Jasper. "Not one step closer, Bella. I'm warning you."

Brushing off his threat, Bella came nose to nose with him. "Hey, Emmett, come pry his mouth open." As Emmett walked closer, Edward abandoned threats and went straight to begging.

"Please, no, Bella! You don't wanna do this to me! Its just the sugar talking. Besides, we need at least one sane person here, and I'm just the man for the job." Bella leans in and whispers, "Who says I'm not sane? Hmm?" Just then, Emmett grabbed Edward's jaw and Bella poured the sugar into his mouth. When the straw was empty, Edward went limp and dropped from Jasper's hold to the floor.

"OMC what happened?! I know sugar affects people differently but I've never seen this happen before!" Bella cried as she knelt and leaned over Edward's crumpled form. Half a second later, Bella was on her back and Edward was looming over her, a mischievous grin on his face.

"How you doin'?" He said, leaning his face down to graze her lips with his. Bella, relieved that he was okay, moved her hands to his neck to pull him down further. The kiss deepened as his hands went to her―

"Ahem."

"Dammit" Edward cursed. With one last lustful look at Bella, he lifted himself off of her, then helped her up.

"You know, Emmett, I'll remember this next time you try to get intimate with Rose." Grinning devilishly, Edward walked away, Bella in tow, leaving one very shocked couple, the other snickering gleefully.

Out of their state of shock, the other's merriment, they flitted to walk behind Bella and Edward. Suddenly, Jasper realizes that he still has one pixy stick left.

"Hmm, I wonder…" he mumbles as he brings the stick to his face.

"What was tha―OMG DON'T!" Bella yelled. But she was too late, because Jasper had already stuck the straw into his right nostril, held the other nostril closed, and deeply inhaled.

"AHH!" He screamed, flailing around, dropping sugar on the floor. "IT BURNS! IT BUURNS!"

"Someone grab him before he hurts himself."

Edward and Alice each grabbed one thrashing arm and pushed him against the wall, successfully restraining him. Getting a clear look at his face, Bella gasped in shock. Jasper's eyes were bloodshot and his face was a mess of snot and blue sugar, mostly caked around his right nostril.

"Geez, Jasper, its sugar, NOT COKE!" Bella scolded.

He whimpered in pain as she continued. "Now calm down and deal with it. That was your stupidity. And you're supposed to be the smart one!"

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

"And what did you learn?" Bella asked as she walked toward a now-calm Jasper, his head hung in shame for his actions as he knelt in front of her.

"Snorting is bad."

"Good boy."

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

**A/N: I had a lot of fun writing this chappy but I'm soo sorry it took so long. I'll try to update at the latest every 2 weeks but don't kill me if I don't! I'm sorry! I wuv u all for being soo patient!**


	7. Fun with Barbie

**A/N: Eep! Don't kill me! I swear it was a total mistake that I had't updated yet! Its just, well, *looks sheepish* times flies by quick, ya know? Anyway, this chappy is relle short but I will def try and update sooner with the rest. Things are relle rollin' and I'm getting close to ending the fanfic, with just a few chapters left. **

**Disclaimer: Jasper's locked in my closet right now. Mwahahahaha! *door crashes open* Damn That Alice!!!!!!!**

**OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

When Jasper recovered, they decided to explore the toy section.

"What's this?" Edward questioned, brow furrowing as he picked up a square, yellow plushie wearing a suit.

Rose walked over and inspected it. "It's either a block of weird cheese or a sponge. But what's it doing here?"

"That's no ordinary sponge! That's Spongebob!" Bella cried, running to rescue the poor plushie from Edward's cruel grip.

"Eww." Emmett came up behind them. "You like him? Spongebob is soo gay." He stated with unconcealed disgust.

"Leave it to Emmett to know who Spongebob is." Alice muttered under her breath as she went to stand with Rose and Edward. They watched as Bella and Emmett argued over the sponge's sexual preferences.

"Why do you think he's so in love with Squidward?! And explain to me why the only two girls on the show are a rat-in-a-fur-coat dike and a obsessed-with-herself whale! And, he takes no interest in them whatsoever!"

"Well, _maybe_ they're not good enough for him! _Maybe_ he's just searching for the right person! Not liking someone doesn't make him a _FAG_!"

"Well, you can shove your theories up your―"

"_**Oh Ken!"**_An extremely girly voice cried out. Bella and Emmett immediately shut up.

"WTF was that?" Rose said, confused. Everyone looked around.

"Umm, where's my Jazzie-poo?" Alice asked, anxious.

"_**There, Ken, there!"**_ The sound of heavy breathing could faintly be heard.

Everyone's eyes widened in horror. Bella's jaw dropped. Alice was frozen, her hands plastered to the sides of her face and her mouth in a rigid 'O'. Edward pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to block out the disturbing images he got from Jasper's mind. Rose mouthed an _Oh My Carlisle_. A figurative light bulb went on in Emmett's head.

Emmett motioned toward the end of the aisle and placed his finger to his lips, telling everyone to quietly follow him. They crept around the corner and peeked into each aisle, getting closer and closer to the pants of passion. They finally reached the right aisle, and what the saw would scar Bella for life.

Ripped open boxes were scattered everywhere. Jasper was on the floor, legs spread out on the floor. And he was playing with…Barbie dolls?!

All of the dolls were naked. Barbie was in standard missionary position. Midge was in front of her, and it looked like they were making out. Ken brought up the rear, bent over Barbie, her hair in his hands. Jasper controlled the speed which he banged her and added his own little sound effects. Other Barbies were surrounding them, each appearing to be doing "the dirty".

"_**Oh yes, Barbie, ye―"**_

"JASPER WHITLOCK HALE!" Alice had made her way to the front of their group, through the garbage, and was now standing over him, wielding a wooden mallet?

"Uh, hi honey." Jasper looked like a 8-year-old caught with a porno. His face was tomato red and he cringed away from her as she started waving the mallet around while she spoke.

"WHAT ARE YOU _DOING_?!?!" she screeched.

"Well, um, it's not what it looks like."

From behind Alice, Emmett snorted. "What does it look like, then? Cause to me, it looks pretty sick."

"I-I was just,uh, m-messing around with the Barbies." He flinched as waves of anger hit him like wrecking balls **(heh heh…balls XP)**.

"And why, may I ask, did you feel the need to create an orgy?!"

"Well, it was a fun idea at the ti―"

_WHACK_

A few minutes later

The group walked out of the aisle, a shameful Jasper lagging behind, rubbing his head.

"Aww, c'mon baby."

"Don't 'C'mon baby' me. You're in big trouble, mister. Big trouble."

**OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

**A/N: How was it? Reviews please!!! I'll love you forever! You'll get a cookie, they're fresh outta the oven!**


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